I loved you so much once. I did. More than anything in the whole wide world. Imagine that. What a laugh that is now. Can you believe it? We were so intimate once upon a time I can’t believe it now. The memory of being that intimate with somebody. We were so intimate I could puke. I can’t imagine ever being that intimate with somebody else. I haven’t been.
Raymond Carver
There is this cultural belief that you never get over your first love.
Maybe there is some truth in that.
I hope I can become the exception.
My first love has always been my depression.
It came to me when I was gawky and young,
body and mind not fully matured. It took my hand,
and hasn’t let go.
Through every relationship I’ve had, it has stayed with me.
Like an addict, I let it return to me,
over and over again.
Sometimes, I believe that it isn’t so bad.
It never berates me for staying in bed,
never chides me when I lack the energy to do more than wash my hair.
When I have no one else,
it welcomes me with open arms.
My depression waits for me,
always patient, never demanding,
as if it knows I would never refuse it.
Looking at it objectively, it is the best
and longest relationship I have ever had.
It is a love so deep,
so all-consuming
that even when it chokes me,
it feels like a kiss.
- Tina Tran, The Lover I Return To (via absentions)
Maybe there is some truth in that.
I hope I can become the exception.
My first love has always been my depression.
It came to me when I was gawky and young,
body and mind not fully matured. It took my hand,
and hasn’t let go.
Through every relationship I’ve had, it has stayed with me.
Like an addict, I let it return to me,
over and over again.
Sometimes, I believe that it isn’t so bad.
It never berates me for staying in bed,
never chides me when I lack the energy to do more than wash my hair.
When I have no one else,
it welcomes me with open arms.
My depression waits for me,
always patient, never demanding,
as if it knows I would never refuse it.
Looking at it objectively, it is the best
and longest relationship I have ever had.
It is a love so deep,
so all-consuming
that even when it chokes me,
it feels like a kiss.
- Tina Tran, The Lover I Return To (via absentions)
(via larmoyante)
i want to be associated with someone’s favourite something. favourite memory. favourite laugh. favourite shadow, even.
(via thewastedgeneration)
